i never learned how to fight my demons. from a very young age i learned to cover them up. they don’t exist if you say they don’t. i was raised that how people viewed you was the most important thing in the world, and you had better not make a scene. my demons are raising hell in my mind right about now. i finally found someone to confide in, and my demons are pissed. they’re doing everything they can to bring me down. they keep reminding me that this person will be just like all the rest and leave, that i don’t deserve love. i know they’re lying to me, but i’m not sure how to fight them.
good things have taken over my life. i’ve said goodbye to every toxic relationship i used to hold. i’ve only been surrounding myself with people who truly love and support me. if you can’t do those two things for me, then you can find your way out. my nights have been filled with long talks with people i can trust. also head scratches, big hugs and laughing till i’m in tears are always present. i couldn’t be happier with how beautiful life is. god is amazing.
i really hate guys that fight. really. i hate the whole “i’m gonna beat his ass for looking at me” mentality that some guy get. but, when you called him a “baby bitch” and said he “needs his ass beat” my heart may have skipped a couple beats. thank you for having my back. now stop being so good to me, my heart can’t take it.
i don’t know what to do. i’ve really missed you. but, i don’t know who you are anymore. you’re probably a different person now, and that’s probably for the best. i don’t know if i can trust you not to walk out on me again. addiction is addiction. i’m at such a loss right now. i don’t know if i should attempt a friendship or leave the past in the past. i can’t handle the heartbreak you put me through again, but i miss having you to confide in. i’m praying to be lead in the right direction.
i didn’t realize how much i’ve missed you. i didn’t realize how long three years really is. i hate the distance between us, how we will be nothing more than we were last night. but last night was perfect. things ended on a good note, and i’m okay with that.
please don’t try and fix me. last night, i didn’t say what i said because i was looking for help. i said it, because i don’t want anyone else to end up like me. really, i appreciate the concern but please stop. i can’t be fixed, because i don’t want to be fixed.
i shouldn’t have to keep justifying the actions i make to keep my heart from breaking. i did nothing wrong.
i’m so completely conflicted. everything is different, all because of someone i’ve never even met. i was sure my feelings for you had changed when you made your decision, but now i’m not so sure. i barely said two words to you, i wanted to hit you when you told me you were thinking of me. my stomach literally churned. i’m not sure how or why i feel the way i do. i just want us to go back to normal. i know god will make something of our situation, i’ve just got to wait. i’m also terrible at being patient.
